The storm had now definitely abated, and what thunder there was now grumbled over more distant hills, like a man saying "And another thing…" twenty minutes after admitting he's lost the argument. - Douglas Adams

Jokes should be short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown. - Bottled City

On the David Wong Social Awkwardness Scale, with “1” being going to the “Pickup” instead of “Order” counter at a restaurant and “10” being a guy getting caught on national TV having sex with a dead baboon, I’d have to say that the following minutes alone with Amy rated about a 9.6. - David Wong

About the film's merits I prefer to be silent at this stage, except to say that it seemed quite long, in the same sense that the Thirty Years War probably seemed quite long to anyone who had been expecting it to be over sooner.

Rowling is being as subtle as a large elephant with a big sign reading "I am subtle."

This movie's plot has more holes than the PGA championship - TriggerStreet

He's as bright as Alaska in wintertime.

The MPAA's deals are shady as a 100-year old elm. - Tech Industry News

With a wet, tearing KERRRAAAAACTCH sound, Molly exploded like a meat piñata at a birthday party for very strong, invisible children. - David Wong, John Dies At The End

This advice, when used on the wrong people, will allow terrorists of love to fly Boeing 767 airplanes into the twin towers of your heart. - The Ferrett, on relationship advice

The debate club is one of Cork's most venerable societies. We're older than John McCain and cooler than Barack Obama. Joining is easier than Sarah Palin's daughter and simpler than Sarah Palin's son." - UCC PhilSoc

Most of her cooking ended out as the culinary equivalent of the Tunguska event - Jasper Fforde

It's like I'm drowning, and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils - Scott Adams

As far as appropriate national slogans go, "The luck of the Irish" isn't far behind "The easy and high paying jobs of the Mexicans. - Cracked

The giant spider web was created by many spiders working together in harmony, like a United Nations without Russia.

Sitting on the dais, overlooking Washington's elite, I felt like the Best Man at a wedding between the Statue of Liberty and Mount Rushmore. - Stephen Colbert

It sounded like the smell of raspberries tastes - Terry Pratchett

There are a number of body parts that may have served some important purpose in the distant past, but are now more likely to host disease and infection, much like pay phones. - Lore Sjoberg

The Church of England is to religion what the cucumber sandwich is to food – it goes quite nicely with a cup of tea, but that’s about it.

His head was as empty as a eunuch's underpants.

I am such a hard-core atheist I make Richard Dawkins look like the Virgin Mary - Bruno Maddox

I'm working harder than a beaver in a lake of coffee - Scott Adams

This game is to free time what whales are to krill. - Matt Baldwin

If the crib's on fire, you don't speculate that the baby is flame-retardant. - Al Gore

I'm straighter than John Wayne voting for Reagan on a horse. - Achewood

O God, who is as far beyond the universes I span as infinity is beyond six... - The House Beyond Your Sky, Benjamin Rosenbaum

At last, I'll be goin' home, as sure as Thor don't own shaving cream! - Order of the Stick

He has all the common sense of Medusa checking her makeup - Order of the Stick

Mother, more gravy. This turkey is as dry as Oscar Wilde - Family Guy

I have more muscles than a New England clambake.

I am more touched than a congressional page. - Scott Adams

Say, 'I'm not ready to write code,' and your status drops like a depleted uranium balloon. - Eliezer Yudkowsky

It's the most blatant work of fiction since vows of fidelity were included in the French wedding service. - Blackadder

He swings the bat...it's a hit!...it's going...going...and like America's credibility on the world stage, it's GONE! - The Simpsons

Our marriage has been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown combined - The Simpsons

You're making less sense than an epileptic auctioneer - Goats

Her art was about as deathless as a mayfly working on an oil rig - Ursula Vernon

I go through life like Helen Keller in a room full of Rubix Cubes - Scott Adams

Someday, it will be one of those things we look back on with heartwarming nostalgia, like the Atari 2600 and polio. - Matt Baldwin

He asks how, if God is a person, He can speak to billions of people simultaneously, which is rather like wondering why, if Tony Blair is an octopus, he has only two arms. - Terry Eagleton

Like the ski resort of young girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for young girls, the situation was not quite as reciprocal .as it appeared.

Off he went, faster than a French border guard with track shoes and a coupon for cigarettes. - Silfay Hraka

Men are like chocolate...they come in bars, head straight for your thighs, and can never last long enough to satisfy you.

Updating a comic via dial-up is like trying to climb Mt. Everest with live weasels for snowshoes Ursula Vernon

Fake relic dealers in the Middle Ages created enough crowns of thorns, Holy Grails, and apostle-femurs to stock a macabre, New Testament-themed Wal-Mart.

I'm as corny as Kansas in August - South Pacific

I hate to call someone fat, but he had more chins than a Taiwanese phone book

His frenzied movements made him look like a lunatic trying to learn semaphore. - John Larkin

You are a girl with as much talent for disguise as a giraffe in dark glasses trying to get into a polar bears-only golf club. - Blackadder

Dan Brown has a gift for metaphor and detail - a gift that's defective and needs to be returned. I hope he has a receipt. LJ Metaquotes

On reflection, all the mistakes I have made are, in some way or another, your fault. You've been at the helm, sowing chaos and stupidity through the landscape of my days like some sort of retarded Johnny Appleseed. - Goats

His jokes are like oil; crude but precious.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has tiny little plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen, and it would be like ambition. - Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

The tension was as thick as a community college student - Goats

He's as guilty as a Catholic O.J. Simpson - Goats

I kept my cool like Steve McQueen's corpse in an interstellar void - Goats

I will help, but the cost will be higher than a Volkswagen full of hippies on a mountaintop - Goats

He's angrier than a mother bear whose cub has just been sold on Ebay. - Questionable Content

He was as famous as the unknown soldier

He makes lichens seem dynamic.

Bush interprets the constitution the same way a Unitarian interprets the Bible

The American media has the attention span of a caffeinated Irish Setter. - Matt Baldwin

Not only was she homely, but it was one of those homes with a burnt out trailer in the front. - Terry Pratchett

Instead they stand immobile on the escalator, like tourists at the Mount Olympus Zoo's gorgon exhibit. - Matt Baldwin

Radon is an interesting element, because it is both noble and deadly, like Vlad the Impaler - Lore Sjoberg

Many say that DOS is the dark side, but actually UNIX is more like the dark side: It's less likely to find the one way to destroy your incredibly powerful machine, and more likely to make upper management choke. - Lore Sjoberg

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

My indifference to that comment can only be described as sexual in intensity. – Martin Terman

It's the most pointless book since How To Learn French was translated into French. - Blackadder

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m.traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m.at a speed of 35 mph.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

I like computers. To me, computers are kind of like tangerines, in that I can’t think of a good analogy about either right now. – Scott Adams

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

It was more difficult to understand than Bob Dylan reading Finnegan's Wake in a wind tunnel. - Dennis Miller

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The door had been forced, like the dialogue during the interview portion of 'Jeopardy!'

Everyone at the party was as stoned as a United States embassy.

Life is short and hard, like a body-building elf" - The Bloodhound Gang

His vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is one who says he's found it. - Brent Wade

The building was a true skyscraper - thousands of tons of steel and more stories than a bar full of Vietnam veterans.

A telegraph system is like a giant cat, stretching across the country. You pull on the tail in New York, and the head squeals in Los Angeles. Radio works exactly the same way, except that there is no cat. - Albert Einstein

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Friedrich Nietzsche (attribution contested)

I'm as happy a dingo in a nursery. - Leons Petrazickis

Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman